TODAY I GOT A JOB!! I dont know if I should really say where on my eating disorder blog of all places, but its a pretty steryotypical job for a goth. I had sent in an application online awhile before going into the store itself and then basically got hired on the spot. Ive filled in everything I need to and think Ill be starting pretty soon! Im so excited to get out of the house and have more money and be able to get a better job in the future!! Ill be a whole lot more active too. Im just plain proud of myself in general, its my first job and I aced it!!
Ill for sure give more updates as I actually work the job and stuff. Im hoping I can balance being starved and working a job, Im a little worried I wont be able to do everything I need to super well. Speaking of being starved I changed my mind on the diet thing, today I started doing the ABC. I had heard a lot about it, but never looked into it until last night after I wrote that entry. It looks like something I could handle pretty well, but if I cant work on that diet then Ill do the 500cal per day again. Ill still reach my goal weight, just a little slower.
Its been a pretty good day today over all. I ate a 6in veggie subway sandwhich and some beet chips as an OMAD today. Ive been pretty cold and shakey all day today too. Its been a little hard to focus< but my mom understands and gave me some grace all day. I dont get to see her that often so I always try to cherish the moments we get together.

Today was a pretty good day! my plans didnt go, well, as planned. my friend was late so I ended up walking to the cafe on my own. I've walked places by myself before, but this time made me a little nervous. Before leaving I loitered behind the church for a bit, I had to work up some courge since I had more of a chance of getting in trouble with church people.
I basically ran until I was out of sight from anywhere my grandparents could see me, walked for bit then ran up the stairs of the building the cafe was in. I didnt get anything crazy, just coffee with sugar free syrup and a mocha latte for my friend. I also asked another friend if he wanted anything and he said no, thank god because that shit was expensive!

I sat behind the church by myself for bit once I got back. Well actually it was a bench by a smaller church right next to the one I go to. The door to it was slightly ajar and from the outside all I could see was a dark building only lit by the light filtering though beautiful vibrant stained glass. I almost wanted to go inside just to look at it more up close. I love stained glass a lot, its half of what I ever paint, so it was really nice to be able to admire some from afar. Thats probably my favorite thing about church.
It was really peaceful being alone doing stuff all morning and getting my steps in. I walked around for about 20 minutes and got 6k steps in that morning. I was pretty happy with myself since most days thats all I get. makes me want to go on walks more, but i already talked at length about that in the last entry.

Eventually I had to go back inside to catch the last bit of class before service and it was really boring and everyone looked at me walking in with my two stupid coffees and loud ass outfit! I tried to act like I wasnt embarassed and act all cool but I dont know if I pull off cool very well.
I was doing pretty good on not eating so far until I got up during service to go pee and I saw an open box of donuts in the lobby. The thought of eating and purging barely crossed my mind before it was already in my mouth and i was running to the bathroom. Purging in a church bathroom isnt something ive never done before, but at the same time makes me feel more guilty about doing it. Its not a very good look.

I got it all up though so I felt pretty proud of myself, which was not really a warented feeling. After service an older lady came up to me and my friends to tell us we were not true beilevers since we were goofing off a bit. I cant even imagine what she'd say if she knew what I went to go to the bathroom for, all probably deserved. After that my friend drove me home, I recorded some songs, made this gross platter dinner and now im writing this entry, over all a pretty good day!

Im planing my cal intake to be 500cal per day also with at least 7k steps a day. Which is hard to do while studying, but nothing pacing around my room cant fix. Im going based off of this chart That hopefully I can stick to. If I do, then theres no way I wont hit my goal weight for this month. Im thinking that Ill be able to stick to this better now that im blogging. Ill keep yall (no one) updated!!!

I did end up hitting my 98lbs goal weight by my birthday, but since then i got up to 102lbs then now back down to 100lbs today. The week after my birthday was amazing! even though i was gaining it was okay becuase i was doing a bunch of fun stuff with my friends. Well more like just one friend who I hang out with all the time.
He knows about my eating disorder and he does his best to support me in his own... special(?) way. which is mostly playfully mocking me, I understand why he does though. I have weird eating rituals/habits that make me look silly while doing them or gross. I see how unreasonable and unhealthy I am about food and exorcise and I feel comfortable enough to share it with him.
He doesnt really understand why I operate the way I do. I think he knows the root cause, but can not get why im eating disordered in the first place. His goals are centered around Gaining weight and muscle so I can see why my stark opposite is so confusing. He always pushes me to eat more "real food" which really just means food with more calories. Which would frustrate me if he wasnt himself. Something about him makes eating around him so much easier. even if I feel very VERY guilty after eating "real food" with him, I always feel so normal and calm during.
I went on that whole side tangent just to explain that hanging out with him all the time made me gain weight. Im sure he thought he was helping me recover and all that, but it just made me restrict harder and hate myself more. Not saying its his fault at all, its all my fault for eating so much like a fat pig, but his 'encourgement' didnt help. We're meeting up again on sunday and im hoping ill have the self control not to eat. because it makes me feel so so so so awful.
after the first week passed it just kept getting worse and worse. The past few days have been very very rough again. I have no energy at all, I feel all stupid and I cant socialize. Im a steryotypical extrovert and Ive been reclsuing back into myself a lot since my energy levels are so shit. I had been heavliy restricting for 3 days and then I binged really really bad last night on 4 croisants. I didnt purge them up either i felt so fucking awful I just wanted to die. I had another croisant today and i think thatll be all I eat. Im trying to fill up on water to help. Ill probably walk for an hour today.
I really want to get down to 90lbs by the end of september i think i can do it if I really really lock in. Im using this blog as a distraction too, programing seems like a thing I can do when I have no energy.

everyday just feels the same. I really wish i was allowed to get out more, id love to go on walks, bike rides, and solo adventures. Truly its all i want right now. Theres a trail thats a 6 minute walk away from my house and I am DESPERATE to walk it and just be in nature by myself.
I wish I had the freedom to go where ever I want. I live in a very small town for context, I live within a 30 minute walk of basically everything in town. so it would be very possible for me to spread my wings and go where ever. Im just not allowed. I do go out on my own when I can though.
Like on sunday, I plan on skiping class at church to go run around town until the sermon. I told the previously mentioned friend that I was planning on doing that and he asked to tag along. I was looking forward to being alone a little, but I dont mind hanging out either. I know Itll put me in a better mood.
I'd also love to talk to other people like me, if you read all this nonsense totally message me. I sound all miserable and sad, which i am, but i swear i can be fun and nice too.

things have been really rough recently. i havent been this depressed in a long while. im trying to make the most of it though. im not crying all the time like i was for a few days i just feel dull now. sometimes i feel pretty okay for ahile. maybe even a little peppy, but something always somes around to tear me right back down.
im going to try my best though despite how my birthday plans have changed and how im not ready for whats being thrown at me. showering and putting my apperence back together helped a lot. my life isnt over yet i still have to make more of it. but for now i still feel desolate and dull.
i can barely bring myself to move most of the day. i moved my goal weight up a little; 98lbs by august 13th. its all i could do right now with out raising suspisions. then ill have to look like im recovering for a bit until winter. everything is lackluster all i can do is live to the best of my ablity for now. august is my month! thats how ill look at it.

i got yelled at multiple times today about my eating habbits by my dad. he means well but sometimes he cant control his anger well and lashes out a lot. i feel like he may understand whats going on but he doesnt want to accept it. i hate my thighs, i feel like theyre big and i work to make them smaller. i want to get thinner in a sick looking way. i want to look ill. i realize what im doing is unhealthy and i dont want to get healthy. i dont want to recover yet. while i have to admit reovery is also very scary to me. i dont just stay in my ED because i just 'have so much will power and im BETTER at anorexia than everyone else.. in fact i ENJOY it...'
no, not at all. im just stuborn, stuck in my ways, hate my self, and scared.
but now ive had a cal goal set and my behavior is being monitored. i know exactly what im gonna do. im going to hit it harder than i ever had and lie my why out of it. ive come so far why would i give it up now? my current goal is 96lbs by aug 13th. thats my birthday gift to myself. ill just eat the breakfasts my dad makes me then nothing else the whole day.
it still doesnt feel good though; what im doing to myself and what im doing to the people around me. im grouchy and tired and i work less hard but i cant stop now. ive eaten over my calorie limit a few times in recent. i feel so ashamed and embarassed.
can you tell i gave up on grammer here? i wrote this last night just as a rant and i dont really feel like editing this to much. haha sorry.

I'm trying to place the start of my eating disordered habits. I cant really state a specific age or an image that made me start starving myself, I do remember being a really insecure kid. Not about my body though. It was more about feeling like a burden, or like a horrible person who was deserving of punishment.
So to take this out on myself id end up refusing meals a lot. It didnt start off about my body at all. That came awhile down the line when I was a teenager. Thats when I started to hate my legs, notice the folds in my stomach when I sat down, how when I smiled it looked like my face grew two sizes, and how disgusting I felt when I was full.
My trans-ness also had a big affect on how my ED developed overtime. I would see these tall and very skinny men that I desperately wished I had the body of. When I was younger I hoped I would grow into something like that. Maybe I couldnt avoid having a chest and wider hips, but itd still be tall and masculine.
but if you read my stats I never got taller haha. And also maybe my eating habits didnt help my growth. But if I couldnt have anything else that came with being my ideal man, I would try to be skinny. That combined with what I mentioned before, it all congealed into whats going on with me now.
I lost whatever sense of control i had over my ED'd behaviors a few relaspes ago. When I first noticed how resrictive I had gotten at first I was happy, because finally I could "control myself" when it came to eating. Before restrictve behaviors were just what i fell back on when I couldnt hurt myself in other ways and after about a month or to id cave and gain back all the weight that I had lost.

I dont really know what triggered my ED so bad at the start of last year, but I have been in the deep end since. maybe it was learning how to purge as a hail mary? or maybe how crazy stressful and out of control last and this year has been. It was proably just the perfect storm to turn a minor itch into an addiction unfortunately. I feel ugly in ways ive never felt before in my life. the only way i can describe it is if, the only body youve known suddenly got switched out with someone elses, similar, but distinctly different body. What I thought I wanted but could never achive has taken over my whole life in a way I never thought would happen to me.
but here i am, doing things past me thought were silly or too far, like drinking diet soda. I was an out spoken diet soda hater until last year. "why not just drink the real thing?" BECAUSE IT HAS CALORIES! GOSH HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID PAST ME!! or weighing each and every bit of food I eat or purging or chewing and spitting or intensely studying every nutrition label i see. stuff like that would make preteen child me turn my nose up at me. I know he wouldnt hate me, just think im silly traitor for sucumbing to "diet culture" or something like that.
I dont want to recover just yet, so the only thing i feel like i can do about now is to romanticise my life like i always have. I build this disorder up from the ground myself; I get to have a little toxicity towards myself, I earned it. That doesnt mean its not a miserable sad existance that makes me mourn the life I had before digging me in this deep hole. It just means im trying to keep myself from feeling to horrible about it, which gets harder every day.

i feel kind of silly about how i wrote this, like its my anorexic villian origin story or something.